Thoughts of a Sprite

Thursday, May 19, 2005

pity party

Wow, I have not updated in quite sometime!

Well on top of hurting my back, which I will get into in a minute, I have the most hectic schedule until about June 9th. I have class everyday from 8 – 11 am, except on Thursdays which are 9:30 – 11. I go home change, eat and head to work from 12 – 8, head home do some homework, and wow it is bedtime. The next thing I know, it is time to get up again. and all this with bad back pain, it is not fun!!

I did not, thank God, rupture my herniated disk. I strained it pretty good, and all my muscles are in spasm, which is what is causing my leg to go numb and tingly. I pulled a stupid yesterday. I dropped a can of soda and I reacted without thinking. I bent over with a quickness to scoop it up to keep it from spilling, and OMG. It feels just as bad as it did when I first strained it. Larry had to pick me up off the floor. I am struggling today to stay at work. After being on the go all day, I am hurting pretty good. I am in a back brace, and I start therapy on Tuesday, and let me tell you, I have never looked forward to therapy so much in my entire life. What kills me about all this, is that I am a very independent person. I don't like to ask for help, I do things for myself. I don't like to feel like I need anyone. And right now, I feel so flipping dependant on everyone it sucks, and dependent on pain killers and muscle relaxers to ease the pain. This is a whole other topic!

Other than the fact that I can't move, and I have little free time, things are going pretty good I guess. My psychology class is not all that hard, though I think his tests are going to have something to offer. Biology on the other hand is rough! Man it is kicking my butt!

I think I am slightly depressed. I try to hide it, but I can't help feeling sorry for myself, and then feeling guilty because I feel sorry for myself. I grew up getting my ass kicked for crying, and always being told "why don't you just have a pity party?" But I can't help it. If it is not one thing it is another. I am sick of being in constant pain. I am sick of not being physically able to do for myself. I am tired of being reduced to tears trying to put my socks on. I can't carry my books to class because they are too heavy for my back pack, I am luck to get away with my lap top. I have to walk slowly to class and leave an extra 20 minutes early in the morning, because walking that far hurts.

If there is a such thing as karma, I must have done something really bad to someone. Between this, and the knee thing, and other various medical issues, It just gets old. It wears on your nerves, and just gets to you. I think I am slightly depressed about it. I have a terrible self image right now. I try not to say anything about it to anybody, because I don't want to sound like I am whining. But if I was physically able, I would throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and cry about it. I don't even do many of the things I enjoy anymore, like blogging, and surfing the sights that I frequent, becuase it simply hurts to sit at a computer. I don't know how else to explain it other than depression. I am not sleeping so well, and I don't know if that is the pain, or the mental state. I know that I stress things too much, and I know I stress the small stuff too, but this does not seem so small to me. It is affecting my daily life, shit my minute to minute life.

Well I know it is short, and not very happy, but at least it is an update. I am going to head home. Blog ya later!

shes_a_sprite @ 7:46 PM.

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